Monday, January 5, 2015

What I learned About Home Depot

In 2014 I fixed up my home for sale by owner. Okay, my family helped. And it worked! We've sold our home to a lovely couple. In the process of getting our home ready for sale I
learned a few key things about Home Depot. And since I love to share stuff, overshare stuff--we call it Timmy in my house (TMI)--I am passing on a few things I learned about HD.

1.     The Home Depot Effect—Men who you wouldn’t look twice at on the street become unusually attractive in Home Depot. The paint splotches on their pants are hot. The worn cap on their head a sign of their laidback success in the building of stuff. The calluses on their hands, dirt in their fingernails, and tool belt on their hips, are as alluring as a tuxedo, cowboy hat, or a military uniform. So if you’re a male in need of female attention and don’t want to try too hard with dressing up, head on down to Home Depot.
2.     Home Depot Can Make You Feel Beautiful—It’s a sad fact of life that sometimes a person male or female wants to feel like they are attractive to the opposite sex (Yes, I’m aware this doesn’t include everyone.) Good news ladies, the Home Depot Effect works for women too. Not only are their floor associates—mostly male—extremely helpful, but the men in the store are almost spastically aware of females who wander into Home Depot. Even more so in the lumber aisles. You know those cavernous aisles where you feel like you need a GPS. No matter how crafty you are, if you don’t work with lumber for a living, you’re going to feel uncomfortable in those aisles. And more than likely, someone male is going to give you some much-needed attention. You might have to shoo away a female floor associate, but they’re pretty understanding. 
3.     Home Depot is a Craftsman’s Crack—If you’re going to HD with your crafty spouse, there is no stopping for two seconds to pick something up that costs 56 cents. For the craftsman inclined, Home Depot is like crack. They can’t just stop at one aisle and get the one thing they came to buy. Nope, they have to head down every aisle, like some little kid with ADD. And when you come out, it will be a few hundred dollars poorer. FYI: If your crafty spouse tells you he/she is going to just run into HD for a minute to get something that costs under a dollar, don't wait in the car. Trust me, it will only result in bitter annoyance. 
4.     Home Depot and Fights—Couples are more likely to fight in Home Depot. I went into HD with my husband and I said to him, “I’ve seen a lot of couples fight in HD. I don’t know what it is, but we are not going to get into a fight in here.” I made sure that he was onboard with the whole Don’t-Fight-in-Home-Depot Plan. Did it work? Uhm. Not entirely. My husband and I, much to the amusement of the paint associate, had a very civil disagreement in HD. It wasn't a fight, fight, but it did involve teeth clenching, cross stares, and not so subtle innuendo.  And when I later said to my husband, “I said we weren’t going to fight in there.” He looked a little puzzled and said, “I was very respectful.” D'oh!

5.     Check the box at HD—During my time beautifying my home, I walked out of Home Depot with an empty box and a few boxes missing parts. To be fair to me, the empty box was one of three toilet seats that I grabbed, so I wasn’t aware of the box lightness. I realized the mistake when I returned home and handed the boxes to the nice gentleman updating my toilets with new double flush ones.  He very nicely told me I’d bought and empty box. Huh. Back to the store. When I returned the box to HD, the clerk very nicely said, “How do I know you didn’t take the seat out and return the box?” WHAT! My head turned three shades of outrage.  Sheesh. I’ve learned the lesson. Check the box to make sure some crafty person didn't manage to smuggle a toilet seat out under their jacket.

Anyone else have any Home Depot truisms they'd like to share? 


  1. When Chris broke his ankle and needed me to drive him everywhere, he happened to be in his "Home Depot Love" phase. We were there almost daily. He, like every other crafty male, can spend hours deciding upon which drill bit will best enhance his collection of drill bits. At first, it was annoying to just stand there for an hour while he contemplated tungsten carbide vs diamond tipped, I came to love those days, and I miss them still. I couldn't tell you why! But there is something about Home Depot and the "regulars" there that is comforting. Crazy.

    1. Aw, such a great story about you and Chris!! I will probably miss my HD exploits too. Right now, not so much. : )

  2. Very astute observations, the kind only a writer could make!

    The husband and I have, on occasion, played a strange little game in Home Depot where we try to spy on each other without being seen. Something in that store brings out the playful weirdos in us.

    I believe many relationships have ended in IKEA, also.

    1. Hahaha! Linda, what a fantastic game! I'll have to try it some time! Yes about IKEA!

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