Thursday, July 24, 2014

Life in a Nutshell

Four nuts! That's twice as many as you need.
I once heard a writing teacher say, "If you're going to blog, blog consistently or don't bother." Whoops. Bad blogger. [slaps hand] I console myself with the fact that that particular teacher had a wealth of energy that the average person can only attain after seven cups of coffee sweetened with cocaine. Still, I have missed blogging. So what kept me away?

Well, in a nutshell, life. I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say they were lifelike.

Speaking of nutshells, check out this one my husband is holding. Four peanuts! What!? This West Virginia  bag 'o nuts didn't disappoint. In fact, the first few peanut shells had three peanuts. Pretty cool. Until, my husband pulled out the big four. Yep, it seemed like a miracle on par with that woman who thought she was having triplets and gave birth to quadruplets. Then my husband pulled out another four and another, and we realized he was eating genetically modified nuts. That made the rest of the bag not as exciting, but according to him still very tasty. I personally wouldn't have touched those tiny Frankenstein's creations unless my life depended on it. Normally, I'd bloviate and say that I'd never eat them, but a recent hike gone wrong has taught me that you drop your standards PDQ when you are hungry or thirsty. It's like that show Naked and Afraid. Except, I wasn't naked. Or afraid. Just really thirsty.

Oh, woman, go back now and get some water! 

The hike started out well enough. We went to Vermont, stayed at a nice little Vermont hotel, and went hiking at Camel's Hump. We actually could've used a camel on that hike. Or some fresh water. My husband and I have been hiking together since we were teens, so it's not like we don't know any better. And yet, that didn't stop us from trudging up Camel's Hump unprepared. In our defense, it seemed like a short five mile hike. How hard could it be with only one bottle of water between us? Fucking hard. It wasn't hard on my legs. Actually, at some point I didn't really feel my legs anymore. I was too damn thirsty to feel anything but thirst.

By the time we made it up to the top, I was ready to offer someone money for a sip of their water. I didn't. That would've been cheating. Plus, they might have herpes. I did, however, enjoy the delicious plum we had brought with us. I tried repeatedly to share it with my husband, but he refused. Apparently if you carry the plum up the mountain that makes it your plum. Not wanting to force feed him, I enjoyed the hell out of that plum. It was the best plum in the whole world! And the view from the top of the world as I ate that sweet goodness was spectacular.

Here, see for yourself.
Top of Camel's Hump Elevation 4,083

After that, we humped it back down the boulder strewn mountain. My husband and I christened it The Hike That Would Never End. I even started singing those words to the tune of, The Song That Never Ends. It did end. We climbed into the truck and floored it to the closest convenience store. There I bought three bottles of water and some cherries. And my husband bought a Gatorade and coffee.
Oh, Evolution, stupid humans continue to thrive because of our gas powered technology. Score!

Later that week, I had a dream about that plum and Mifune from Soul Eater--who for some crazy reason I thought was Bob Dylan. Anyway, in the dream an 800 year old mystic told me, "You are the plum." Sweet!  Thanks, subconscious. But what do you have against Mifune?

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