Saturday, November 30, 2013

Stick Your Sunshine Where the Sun Don't Shine (No, Not Michigan.)

If you can run through this,
you're tougher than someone from Florida.
It happens every year around this time. The weather braggers come out. You know these people. They have the good fortune, or good sense, to live in a state with warm weather year round, and when they see the weather in other states turning bad, they just can't help themselves....

"It's sunny and beautiful here!"
"I am in flip flops and shorts, enjoying my Thanksgiving dinner on the deck of my La Jolla home."
"You should come here. It's 80 out and perfect."
"You have S.A.D. That's too bad. I have all the sunshine you need right here!"

These are all slightly annoying. Worse, is when the unsympathetic response to, "I'm freezing my nips off here" is a joyful gloating, "The weather here is perfect."

Really? Okay, bitch, it's on! This is what you look like to me...

Someone needs to tell you weather braggers that touting your good fortune while other people are blowing into their hands waiting for their car heat to kick on is rude. We get it! You're toasty warm and filled with a glee that can't be contained. That's because you're soaking up all my happiness. That's right, the sun sucked that happiness out of my skin during the summer and now--like rain in too full clouds--it's being delivered to you. You're welcome. Now stop bragging. You don't see me posting things like, "No tsunami here! Not a murderous wave in sight!" Or, "Yep, we haven't had a twister here in years. You should come here."

How would you like it if I bragged about all the great things happening in real weather? Like a change of season. And falling leaves. And...well, here’s just a few of the wonders you warm weather folks are missing:

1 .  Gloves—Oh, yeah. Gloves are awesome. Supple leather that squeezes off the circulation in your fingers just right. And, if you are like me and have a home office that turns arctic, you get the extra special pleasure of wearing fingerless gloves, so you can type. They cover everything but the tips of your fingers. Fancy. Yeah, now you’re jealous. Take that! 
2.    Parka Running—You losers who throw on your shorts and head out into the sun for some quick exercise, are missing out. You haven’t had a really good run until you’ve been bundled in a parka, with gloves, a thick hat, and a black mask covering your face. Your limbs are so tightly bound, you feel like your running through ice water. And, you scare the crap out of unsuspecting people who turn to see you running up behind them. Fun stuff.
3.    Hot Cocoa—Sure, you can have cocoa in California, but it doesn’t taste the same. Trust me. The only time you really get to taste cocoa is when your red nose is running and you don’t even want to bring the cup to your lips, because your hands are enjoying gripping the warmth from your mug too much. That’s real cocoa right there.
4.    Toughness—That’s right, I’m saying it. Cold weather people are tougher than warm weather people. Have you ever been around a Floridian who had the misfortune to step into Pennsylvania during a 30 degree day? Wimpy doesn’t cover it. They act like their blood is freezing in their veins. And, no, I’m not turning my heat up, because it’s cheaper for you to put on another sweater. Can you get another sweater on? Can you even breathe under all that stuff?
5.    Snow—I’m pulling out the dreaded white card. Everyone in a warm state hates this card. They know that snow is beautiful. It covers the ground not just with its glistening white, but with that awed silence that only exists on the first morning after a blizzard. There’s not a person around who isn’t—at least for an instant—touched by the beauty of the world on that morning. Of course, the next morning and the one after that you are cursing that white stuff. But it's all worth it for that one moment of still beauty. And, really, Santa lives at the North Pole for a reason. Everyone knows the Snow Miser outdoes the Heat Miser. So suck it warm weather states.  


  1. Dammit! Your site just ate my comment!
    What I said was, when my windows are open to the sweet and musical summer nights here in "cold" New England, those year-round-warmers can't even breathe in their hot and humid environs. I'll take the cold any day of the week!

    1. That's right! Let them suck on their humidity! We got cool evening breezes. Cause we're cool. That's why.

  2. OMG!! This is so awesome!! I loved this!!

  3. Guilty as charged. After five years in Florida my blood has turned to tonic water. I've been up in NY visiting family for a few days and the worse problem is not that I had to buy three pairs of close-toed shoes just for this trip because no, in Florida we don't have to wear those things, what are they again? And not that I have to wear all the layers I brought with me and then all the old hoodies I keep in the car for emergencies, but that I can't stop the nose bleeds, courtesy of the dry heat. I was in Grand Central looking at train schedules when suddenly my nose started gushing blood. First nose bleed I've ever had in my life. I can't wait to start the drive home and suck on that old Miami humidity. I gotta go before I run out of blood. I call it "vampiric dry air."

    1. Hahaha! At least you admit you're a bragger who is not so tough when it comes to the cold. I think I'll keep you!

  4. We Michiganders are proud of our ability to weather the cold. Snow and ice? Bring it on. Last night the weatherman on Channel 7 was talking about a cold front coming in over the weekend, and when he said "30 degrees," my husband and I snorted. That's not cold. I remember one winter when sub-zero temps rose to 18 degrees and we were skipping around as if it were spring… jackets open, hats off, smiles.

    People who brag about the sunny warm weather when it's snowing here are pansy asses.

    (Don't ask me how I feel about this mid March when it's still snowing, though)

    1. "I remember one winter when sub-zero temps rose to 18 degrees and we were skipping around as if it were spring… jackets open, hats off, smiles."

      Hahaha! Great visual. Yep, there's nothing wimpy about the Michigan winters or the people in Michigan!