Monday, November 25, 2013

Five Things I'm Grateful Don't Really Exist

Every year at Thanksgiving my mom puts a halt to all the good natured cheerfulness and easy banter by silencing the table and asking each person to say what they are grateful for. It’s a nice tradition. A little awkward, but heck nice traditions were made for awkward. Last night I was thinking about this, when I realized I’m grateful that a lot of things that have made me frightened or sad or worried this year that don’t actually exist. So, here are five things I’m grateful don’t really exist.

1. Zombies: I’ve been watching a lot of Walking Dead lately. This season’s zombies don’t invoke the same terror they did when I first started watching the show. There's no reason to lock them up in a barn or waste bullets on them. Unless the walking dead have the numbers, everyone kind of realizes that they can outmaneuver zombies. Now, zombies are just gross. They may be slow and easy to evade, but there is no end to how gross they can look. And the people who do the special effects on the Walking Dead have some seriously sick imaginations. That’s why I’m happy to report—despite rumors to the contrary--while cannibals do exist, zombies aren’t real. Phew.

2. GRRM's Game of ThronesYeah, you know the misery this HBO series causes. And the Red Wedding scene, even though I’d read the books, was a bit heartbreaking. Worse, were some of the recorded reactions from fans who hadn’t read the books and didn’t know what to expect. Yeah. Sadness. Sorry, kids, we would've told you, but then we wouldn't have been able to record your over-the-top reactions. Still, the good news is no actors were hurt in the portraying of this scene, and when we say, “Winter is coming” it just means that December 21st is drawing near. 

3. Talking Dogs—If dogs really did talk like in the last episode of Supernatural, or Jake on Adventure Time, or that annoyingly perverted dog on Family Guy, you know you would kick that sucker out of your house. Let’s face it, the best thing about your dog is his/her inability to communicate. How irritating would their fury faces suddenly become if you woke up every morning to, “You never take me out anymore.” Sheesh.
And, honestly, if your dog could call you the way you call him/her, the loving cuteness that is dog would be highly diminished. Don’t believe me? Check out this clip of Jake calling Finn in Adventure Time

4. Giant Spiders: I know there are big spiders somewhere in Africa and somewhere in the northwestern California—winking at you Michaela—but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking Eight Legged Freaks or Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets big. The kind of things you can’t outrun--unless a magic car comes to your rescue. Yeah, big spiders would make the world a much scarier place. Not to mention the traffic nightmare. 

5. Human with Superpowers: Sure it’s a cool to think about what superpower you’d want if you could pick one—and the ability to make things bigger or smaller is a superpower no matter what my son says—but think about a world where people really did have superpowers. Yep, most people would use that shit to vent or mess with people or just be super sneaky perverts. It would be like that show Heroes. You’d have one guy who’d be all altruistic and wanting to help people, but the rest of us would be trying to keep our day jobs while using our invisibility to hide in the men’s locker room in the gym. Or is that just me? And, let’s face it, there are plenty of people running around without superpowers who still basically act like they fly when you're not around. Seriously, can you imagine a two year old with the ability to levitate stuff? Yeah, that’s what I thought. So, I'm happy to report no humans with superpowers exist. Or do they....


  1. Can you imagine what your dog might say if she COULD talk?? The things she's seen...the things she's SEEEEEN!!!!

    1. Hahaha! I'd like to talk to Bo--the White House dog. That dog has some stories!