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Bucks County, PA, United States
In addition to her award-winning young adult fiction, Diana Muñoz Stewart runs her own company providing content for websites and blogs on health, writing, and family. She earned her Bachelor’s degree in English Literature from Rowan University and a Master’s degree in Creative Writing from the Stonecoast, University of Southern Maine. When she’s not writing, she can be found kayaking in her backyard or hiking with her kids and the man who’s made her heart race and palms sweat since their devoted teen years.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Christmas Tags

Ah, Christmas, you're over, but you left your mark on my credit card and my heart. And a paper cut on my finger. Damn wrapping paper. I know some people have whole rooms dedicated to wrapping. These perfect wrappers use fancy ribbons and bows and it takes an act of God to get into the actual present. I'm not one of those people. I'm like a working elf. It's a job. I like to speed wrap. Or I used to.

As my kids have grown up, they've taken over wrapping and made the whole thing into a quirky, hilarious tradition. It still involves the usual-- rolls and rolls of two sided paper from BJ's (best paper in the world), a sloppy list of who gets what, lots of tape, random bursts of, "Where are my scissors? Oh, here they are," and Doctor Who on in the background. But now it also includes the written word. A Christmas tag isn't just a way to tell who the gift is for anymore. It's an irreverent, sacrilegious, and most of all creative venture.

When it was just me the tags would read:
To: Name
From or Love: Santa.

That's it. How boring. Now, the tags have words of advice, jokes, and even recriminations. For example this Christmas included this tag:
To: Mike
Love: Santa
Nice list? More like naughty list, bitch.

Some tags are personal tortures. My daughter HATES feet. They creep her out. One of her tags read:
To: Meg.
Love: Santa
I touched this with  my feet.

Warning Labels
To: Will
Love: Santa
Caution Thin Shirt; protruding nipples may cause both physical and emotional damage.

Sacrilegious
To: Mike
Jesus, Mike, I haven't seen you in church lately…what's the deal?
Love: Jesus

Creepy
To: Will
Love: Santa
Hey, Will. How's your girlfriend Bri doing? I already know. That's a piece of her hair caught in the tape on your present.

Silly
To: Luke
Love: Santa
What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic

Deep
To: Will
Love: Santa
There's nothing better than the, "we survived the Mayan apocalypse" Christmas. Enjoy it. While you can.

Extremely personal (To my daughter who loves her dog, beer, and getting pissed at puzzles)
To: Dog Nuzzler
Beer Guzzler
Angry Puzzler
Love: Santa

Present Spoilers
To: Luke
Read a damn book
Love: Santa

We've been creating these tags for a few years now, but this is the first year I decided to collect them. I put them in a bag for next year's reading. Do you have a quirky family tradition, you'd like to share? Please do. And next year, I want to read your tags! Reading them is almost as much fun as the hours in my room wrapping happily with my kids as Doctor Who works magic in the background.

Happy New Year!

4 comments:

  1. Oh my, this is hilarious. Quite a tradition, do save them!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Karen! They are such weird kids. I have no idea where they get it from. : )

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  2. This is FANTASTIC! I wish I had something this fun and meaningfull to pass down through the family. You want to hear OUR Christmas tradition? (It is now three years traditional, but I can't imagine a Christmas without it anymore.) Let me set the stage:
    Four adult children, assorted significant others, Frank and I are gathered in the living room, lights out, tree lit, a fire crackling in the hearth. Some sit on the couch, curled up under a blanket, some on the floor. All are gathered near the television. The baby, Grace at all of 21 this year, holds the remote in her hand. She switches on the television. All lean forward, smile at one another lovingly, knowingly. And then...

    Gracie reads the porn channel descriptions aloud in her best Jerry Blank impression. It is hilarious.

    Only in my house!

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    Replies
    1. That is HILARIOUS! Next year record it without her knowing! So funny!

      See, there is another reason we are friends. : D

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